In between teaching, prepping, and lecturing, I’ve had nothing on my mind but John’s death. I’ve cried a little and thought a lot. It’s a hard place to be in, this in-between space. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel, and not knowing how to feel makes the whole situation even more difficult.
Suffice to say, I didn’t think I’d have anything to be thankful for today. Sure, I could have made something up: the sun was shining, my classes went well, I still have a job. But it would have felt artificial, and the one thing I never want this blog to be is artificial.
I thought I was going to have to just be honest: to admit that I was so clouded by my own thoughts that I hadn’t paid attention and had nothing to be thankful for.
But then, my daughter gave me a card. It read:
I am sooo sorry your dad died. I know he meant a-lot to you. Even though you didn’t see him everyday I know he had a special spot in your heart. But now he is in heaven wishing he could be a better dad but he loved you! Now he is out of his wheelchair talking and not suffering.
Can you believe the depth and beauty of this card? I actually hadn’t even told her the news; I was waiting until I was more stable and could figure out just what to say. However, I assume Maddie overheard me on the phone talking to my sister. Plus, she had always been incredibly intuitive.
So today, against all odds, I am so thankful for my daughter’s card, her sensitivity, and her wisdom. I am also thankful that I have two beautiful children that I would never, in a million years, leave. I couldn’t even imagine that.
Despite everything, there is a lot to be thankful for today.