Today during therapy, my therapist pointed out that while I am self-deprecating in humor, that I actually have a distinct tendency of feeling “not worthy.”
True, I realized.
Very true. I always think I’m not worthy. Not worthy of my job, of affection from people who love me, and most importantly, in relationships.
That I tend, as he explained, to feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. That I often find reasons why someone, some man, would not love me. I feel like because I have had two kids from two different fathers, that my life hasn’t gone the way I had once hoped it would, that because my body isn’t as it used to be, oh and a million other reasons…all of these reasons have led me to have circular way of thinking. A negative thought process.
And this thought process will lead me to end up alone and bitter forever possibly.
To counter this, my homework for the next week is to write down what does make me worthy of being loved, finding a great man, making myself happy every time I feel not worthy.
This does not seem like an easy homework assignment. And it feels artificial. But I’m going to try.
Because I realized he is correct in everything he said.
I’m thankful for this lesson and even for the homework as difficult as it may be.