7am: Slept terribly. Woke up in a panic. Lied in bed thinking of how much I have to do and just my life in general. Panic attack got worse. Thankful for anti-anxiety meds.
8am: Ran into my friend Kelly, who complimented me on my white dress and said I looked pretty. Made me smile. Five minutes later I spilled coffee on my white dress.
8:20am: Got to school. Found parking far, far away. Walked to my office in a stressed out way that I’m becoming quite accustomed to. Opened my office door and found this note (slipped under my door):
Ok. I’ve taught a lot of SUSTAIN students and SUSTAIN actually ended in Spring of 2015, so I have no idea who these students might be or how they knew that I needed a pick me up in my life right now, but HOLY SHIT. I actually sat down in my chair and started to cry. I am so thankful for the experience I ad teaching with SUSTAIN, the friendships I made with both students and professors, and the incredibly way the program changed me for the better. Oh, so much damn gratitude.
8:30-10:45: Worked on my binder and actually finished it. It’s not great, but you know what? In past evaluation years, I have poured my heart and soul into these binders and evaluations and you know what? No one really cares. I’m just a lecturer in a sea of thousands. My department doesn’t care about me. They don’t honor or respect what I’ve done for the university on my own time without any pay. So who the fuck cares? As long as I don’t lose my job (highly unlikely) why do I care about what some administrators who don’t care about me think about me? I’m thankful it’s finished and I’m thankful I no longer give any fucks.
(Binder finished and desk still messy)
11:00: Dentist appointment. I guess it’s been 2 years since I’ve had my teeth cleaned and that’s probably because I’ve been shuffling around my kids to their dentist and orthodontic appointments that I just finally got around to remembering my teeth. Super thankful for the cleaning as my teeth look so white and feel so clean. Cried in my car when I saw the treatment plan for a few cavities I have and the cost. Thought about how to make extra money. I’ve asked a few friends about waiting tables again, just once a week, but no one will hire me for just once a week. Thought about prostitution, but that seems like an awful lot of work although my friend did point out that I’ve probably given the milk away for free anyway so why not make some money? Still….my damn morals.
12:00: Back in my office and I look at my bank account to see if there is anything I can do for this upcoming dentist bill and well, you know, like buy milk for the house. Saw that someone deposited $500 in my account. Called bank. They can’t tell me who it was because it was a cash deposit, but I have a sneaky suspicion it’s my Aunt Linda and if it was you Aunt Linda, you’ve always been my favorite aunt and you know that already but I love you to the moon and back and thank you. Grateful for family, especially my Aunt Linda.
1:00: Teach class. Everything goes well.
2:00 Back at my office and I actually get quite a bit done for the community college. Feeling more on top of things.
3:10: Take a break and watch President Obama’s farewell address. As always, an amazing speech. End up messy crying. Thankful for the eight years he’s been my president. He makes me proud to be an American.
4:00: Teach my last class of the day and we didn’t get through half of what I had planned because they were so engaged and asked so many great questions, and it was a wonderful class. Who cares if we’re behind. I left feeling energized. So thankful for my students.
5:30: Get home. Realize Blue Apron has once again delivered my weekly subscription even though I’ve emailed them TWICE about cancelling. Ugh. So Pissed. Put the food away and as I open my refrigerator I see that it is stuffed full of food. Text my mom. Mom confirms that she went shopping for me. Start to cry. I am so lucky,
6:00pm: Get a text from Maddie who’s at work. It says, “omg i found a man that’s perfect for you.” Don’t even respond. I’m only devoted to my cat and dogs and children right now. All men can leave me alone. But thanks, Maddie:)