You know, the first few times I read Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus, I was like, “Damn. I get it. I’m sooooooooo existential.”
Bullshit 20-something year old, Courtney. You don’t get it.
Now at 41, I fucking get it. I have been rolling that rock up and down the mountain for two many years and I’ve learned this: Life is pretty meaningless. Right when you think you’ve got it all figured out–up the mountain you go. You’ll make it back to the top again, only to watch the rock fall back down again.
Over and over and over and over again until you die. Yes, there will be brilliant moments of life and love will conquer many things (but probably not), but all that will turn on a dime and you’ll be rolling that rock up. that. fucking. mountain. again.
Forever.
So while I’m trying to be optimistic and grateful again this year, I’m also beginning to really understand the chaos and repetitiveness and bullshit of life. All scattered in with a few beautiful moments that tease me into believing I’ve learned something. Figured something out.
Guess what, Courtney You don’t know shit.
So, today I focus on the up the mountain/down the mountain beauty and shit of life.
Beauty–I get to stay in my house and don’t have to move. Soon, I will sign a lease with the landlords whom I met and I will forever be disconnected from my ex.
Shit–It took weeks of arguing to get the house, and at times, I didn’t think I was strong enough to keep fighting, but I did. That was a hellish two weeks, though and BONUS! the landlords raised the rent $200/month.
Beauty–It’s no secret that I am way short on money lately. But I also have family that have lent me money and bought me groceries. I am so fortunate.
Shit–Yesterday morning, I looked at my bank account and thought, “OMG. I’m going to make it to the end of the month and be okay.” Then I went to drive to work and my battery was dead. So, I watched a bunch of youtube videos and with the help of my brother, replaced my battery, which saved me about $400, but killed that “I’m going to make it to the end of the month” feeling.
Beauty–Mother’s Day with my kids was wonderful.
Shit–You know what I really want for Mother’s Day? To be left the fuck alone and just read.
Beauty–Maddie went to her senior prom and had a great date, was surrounded by her best friends, and had a fantastic time that she will surely remember for a long time.
Shit–Do you know how expensive prom is these days? It’s like I just had a small wedding for Maddie.
Beauty–I received this email from former student today and my heart just melted:
Shit–I finished grading for the community college and out of 29 students, I had 7 withdraw or drop; 1 A; 5 B’s; 2 C’s; 1 D; and 12 FUCKING F’s. Unbelievable. You have no idea what a complete waste of time it is to put in so much effort as a teacher for about 16 weeks only for about 10 students to legitimately stop showing up the last 2 weeks. Like–can’t you make this decision before I’ve graded all your work for 16 weeks???
Beauty/Shit–This takes the cake. I clean the house. The next day it’s dirty. And so on and so on and so on FOREVER.
Here is a perfect example. I cleaned Luke’s entire room and just when I thought I was finished I looked behind his bed to find all this:
So you know what? I’m texting every member of the family (minus Luke. I’ll tell him in person) daily chores and if they are not done by the time I go to bed, I’m kicking that member out. Well, not Luke. He’s too young. But I will take away his TV watching.
Because for real. I am so over all this shit.
A Year of Thanks 
“Camus identifies Sisyphus as the archetypal absurd hero, both for his behavior on earth and for his punishment in the underworld. He displays scorn for the gods, a hatred of death, and a passion for life. His punishment is to endure an eternity of hopeless struggle.
We are not told how Sisyphus endures his punishment in the underworld: that much is left to our imagination. What fascinates Camus is Sisyphus’s state of mind in that moment after the rock rolls away from him at the top of the mountain. As he heads down the mountain, briefly free from his labor, he is conscious, aware of the absurdity of his fate. His fate can only be considered tragic because he understands it and has no hope for reprieve. At the same time, the lucidity he achieves with this understanding also places him above his fate.
Camus suggests that Sisyphus might even approach his task with joy. The moments of sorrow or melancholy come when he looks back at the world he’s left behind, or when he hopes or wishes for happiness. When Sisyphus accepts his fate, however, the sorrow and melancholy of it vanish. Camus suggests that acknowledging “crushing truths” like the eternity and futility of his fate is enough to render them less crushing.”
Courtney,
Do you consider your reality a punishment? You were gifted with beauty, an enviable IQ, a large family who cares about you, regardless of countless fuck-ups. All factual statements. What you did with those genetic talents was your own free will. But you started your life in the top 5% of lucky. Since you have equated your life to a punishment, then it would be logically a self-inflicted one. Sisyphus was a hero because he accepted his eternal damnation honorably. He did not rant. He did not lie. He did not post the failures of others, or post personal photos of family members that will be retrievable in adulthood. If you are hell bent on making your life a mythological comparison, I would keep searching for a kinder portrayal – one that only needs to be rejuvenated with the love I know exists within you.
Aunt Linda
No, I do not in any way consider my life punishment, but I do now understand the absolute absurdity of trying to make sense of anything. Nietzsche believed that we could create our own belief system–to become the Uber men of our own. Camus didn’t believe this was possible–to disentangle ourselves from collective unconsciousness. Inside with Camus.