turning over a new leaf September 30, 2010

Luke did not cry when I dropped him off at preschool today. This seemed like a small miracle. When I went to pick him up after almost 6 hours of him being there, he looked happy as could be, playing with the toys. The teacher told me that he only whimpered a little during nap time for “mama” (thankful he didn’t whimper for “auntie.”), but that he was happy the entirety of the day. This seemed like a large miracle.

It seems Luke has turned over a new leaf when it comes to going to school. I’m so thankful. I was so close to pulling him out and…well, I have no idea what was going to happen beyond pulling him out, but I’m  sure it would have included desperate measures to find  him a new stay-at-home babysitter, which would have cost much more money. But Luke’s happy, and I’m beyond thankful for that.

Since we were both in such a great mood when we came home, Luke and I tackled the garden. I’ve been meaning to pull out all the old vegetable plants, but with the heat, I didn’t feel like going outside to do anything let alone garden work.

And while I’m thankful it was a cool 84 degrees today, I’m actually thankful for that little heat wave. It seems that most of my vegetable plants were just waiting for some heat to help them out a little.

As we pulled out plants, we found vegetables waiting to be picked:

(So many eggplants, tomatoes, and even a small watermelon, a few hot peppers, and the absolute last of the cucumbers and green beans. I’m thankful for our unexpected vegetable surprise!)

I even decided to leave the tomato plants in because the weather report is calling for a few more days of 77-80 degree weather. I’m really hoping that these giants (and the others not pictured as well) will ripen some more:

I have four garden boxes and one we emptied out completely, letting the leaves from the plants stay to literally help turn over the soil:

The box looks so empty and sad and lifeless that I decided to grow a winter garden, something I’ve never done before. I’m not sure if it’s too late to start, but I’m heading to our local nursery this weekend to get some help, advice, and hopefully some little plants that will grow throughout the winter.

my sister is the WORST babysitter ever September 29, 2010

My sister babysits Luke (and Maddie after school) Monday, Wednesday, and Friday each week. Monday is a relatively easy day, Wednesday is a long day, and Friday is only for 3 hours.

When she has Luke and Maddie on these days, she makes it a point to have as much fun as possible with them. Today, for instance, she took Cate and Luke to the park, then to the library, then to run errands with her(but she made it fun by getting both kids ice cream). She then takes them home and feeds them an awesome lunch. Then she plays with them and reads to them after naps. When Luke is feeling sad or lonely, she cuddles him and soothes him.

When the kids are with my sister I never have to worry about a thing. I may call to see how things are going, but usually I don’t. I just know they are fine.

You may be wondering then what makes her the worst babysitter ever. Well, to be frank: she’s too good. Tonight when I picked up Luke and put him in the car, he cried for “auntie” the entire way home. When I tried to soothe him by saying, “No, baby. Mama’s here. Mama’s going to sleep with you and cuddle you tonight, ” Luke replied by saying, “No. Auntie.”

I got nervous. I asked, “Don’t you want to sleep with mama tonight?”

He said, “NO! Auntie.”

By the time we got home, he was all over me as usual, but this has gone too far. She’s clearly replacing me as Luke’s favorite. She has the luxury and time of playing with Luke and Maddie like I used to before I began work again.

And while I’m thankful for my sister and her devotion to my kids, I’m pretty pissed off and jealous that my kids are beginning to favor her over me.

Hmmmm….I may have to take some devious measures. I may have to mention to Luke and Maddie the money I pay my sister and instill the fact that she only does it for the money–that she doesn’t really like them. I may have to tell them all the mean things she did to me growing up. I may have to take a picture of her and Photoshop it so she looks like an evil witch that will then scare my kids.

Cause one things for sure: she loves my kids and I love her. But I’m not above smearing her name so I become Luke and Maddie’s only shining star.

indulgence September 28, 2010

It’s been three years since I last went to a concert. The last concert I attended was when I was 5 months pregnant and I took Maddie and my friend Michelle to see Feist.

Since that concert I’ve seen no live music. None. Nada.

It’s quite sad.

But then today, I read an article about one of my favorite musicians, Stufjan Stevens. Even though I belong to his email subscription list, I haven’t read the emails in years. But the article discussed his upcoming new album and tour.

Tour? What? I mean where have I been?

I haven’t ever seen Sufjan Stevens. Ever. And this is partly because HE NEVER TOURS. Well, he rarely tours. Barely ever.

So, I went to his web page to see where he was going to be playing. Usually most of the dates are in Europe, so I didn’t get my hopes up.

But then I noticed that he was playing in Los Angeles in October.

I stopped and thought for a minute: Interesting, I’m going to be in L.A. in October.

Then I looked at the specific date.

This could not be happening. He’s playing the same weekend I’m in L.A. for a wedding. And randomly the wedding is on a Friday. The concert is Saturday.

This seemed like an omen sent from baby Jesus. I went to buy tickets.

SOLD OUT.

But I was not to be deterred. After a quick internet search, I found tickets. And I bought them.

For A LOT of money. I indulged. I spent more money on two tickets than I ever have in the past. And I don’t even have someone to go with yet.

But no matter. I’m happy. I indulged. I love him. I love his music.

It’ll be worth every penny. I’m so thankful the tickets are being air mailed to me as I type.

For you absolute listening pleasure:

water me down September 27, 2010

I don’t like water. Never have. Nor do I really like soda. I do like coffee (usually even decaf).

What this means is that I normally only drink coffee and maybe some vitamin water or gatorade (ever once in a while) on a daily basis.

I’m amazed (and I’m quite serious about this) that I’m not:

a. constantly dehydrated.

b. suffering from kidney stones.

c. dead.

But today, man, it was 111 degrees, and I had to teach and walk all over campus all day. The students and I melted in the classrooms, which by the way, I guess when our university was built, air conditioning hadn’t been invented. Except that I’m teaching one of my classes in a brand new building! What’s up with that? Just another way to torture us, I’m sure.

Anyway, I was so hot all day, I drank both of these and even filled them up twice:

To my surprise, though perhaps I was suffering from heat stroke, I didn’t mind drinking the water at all. It wasn’t really refreshing, per se. But I didn’t gag from it either.

I could be turning over a new leaf here. I’m going to keep filling up these babies and see what happens.

And for that, I’m thankful.

beating the heat September 26, 2010

Another 100 degree day. Another day of trying to beat the heat.

Which meant hiding for most of the day. In my room (the coolest room in the house). With no lights. In as little clothing as possible.

Watching videos and reading in bed:

Maddie read her first Nancy Drew novel, and she finished it this afternoon. A whole book in one day? From a girl who loves to watch TV? I’d almost be speechless if it had not been that it was a Nancy Drew book. Since these books were also my favorite novels when I was her age, I understand why she couldn’t stop reading. It was just that good.

I started last night and finished this afternoon a novel as well, The Book Thief.

If you have not read this book, get it. Now. As fast as possible. It was so good. It was so different. It was incredibly moving. I honestly sobbed at the end. Sobbed. Like Luke when I took away the ‘bobo’ for the first time.

But, back to the heat. So we hid in my room, and crept out to have lunch. The heat was such a killer, such an exhausting atmosphere to be in that, behold, Luke fell asleep in his high chair in the middle of lunch.

Finally, after Luke’s nap, we decided the beach was our only option left of escaping the heat

Off we headed with the dog in tow.

It was beautiful. And much cooler.

I love watching the kids roam and make discoveries.

And both kids playing so nicely together makes my heart swell.

To end the day we stayed at the beach and went out to eat. Loved the food, the conversation, and  not cleaning up any dishes in a hot kitchen.

By the time we got home, our house was still 89 degrees, but the outside temperature had dropped to about 75 degrees. It felt great to open all the windows and feel the cool breeze coming in.

Despite hiding in the house for most of the day, we had a fabulous time trying to beat the heat. I’m thankful for our lazy, hot Sunday.

the heat September 25, 2010

It’s 88 degrees out right now and it’s almost 8p.m. All day the temperature hovered around 100 degrees.

I’m super thankful Maddie’s soccer game was at 4 p.m. and not noon or 2 p.m.

We still sweated, but at least we weren’t under the direct sun. And from what I heard from other soccer parents, the noon and 2p.m. games were brutal.

luke’s mama time September 24, 2010

This week has been exceptionally hard on Luke. I have the absolute luxury of having 3 months off in the summer, and while the transition to me just going back to teach st the community college 7 weeks ago was difficult for Luke, this week, going back to teach at the university and adding 20 more hours away from him has been really difficult. He’s been attached to my hip, barely letting me out of his sight, even to go into the kitchen to make dinner. He’s had a particularly hard time in preschool, where the teacher told me  that Tuesday was a really difficult day for him and then Thursday, he cried harder than he has in the past when I took him to school and my sister said that when she and my mom went to pick Luke up, he was sitting at the table, eating lunch, and crying. Furthermore, the past few nights, he  woken up several times, crying, and screaming–yes, actually screaming– “mama.”

I cannot even describe how terrible this is making me feel.

Tonight was his night to spend with his dad, but I sent my ex an email, explaining what was going on and that I believed Luke needed some extra mama time and more reassurance than normal that “mama” is here, and that I would greatly appreciate me keeping Luke tonight to make him feel the security he obviously needs right now.

Thankfully my ex agreed to let Luke stay home with me.

Since I only teach from 9-noon on Fridays, we had a lot of time to cuddle, take a nap together, play, and spend the evening reading books.

As I look at Luke, asleep and snuggled so closely to me right now, I’m so thankful I for my extra mama time right now. Luke needed to be with me, and I certainly needed to have him close to me as well.

surrogate mothers September 23, 2010

My  mother. What can I say?

She’s a great cook. She always, when we were living with her, made us dinner and we had to eat around the table together. She also always played music during dinner time. I’m grateful for that. It’s a tradition I still do with my own children.

But then also, growing up, she never was really a part of our lives. Once she married my dad, she didn’t work. She also didn’t attend any of my sister’s athletic events, never went to our schools to talk to our teachers, didn’t get to know our friends, never took us to the park, and never really encouraged us.

In fact, since I was a really, really shy child and was not very athletic, the only extra curricular activity I wanted to do was dance. And when I went to the first of many lessons and was scared or nervous and told her my mom I wanted to quit, she was only too happy to oblige, knowing she would no longer have to drive me. And then when I did stick out one whole season of dance and my family came to my recital, she told me I had the grace of an elephant.

It’s no wonder for years I’ve had pent-up anger toward her. But then, a few years ago, I  realized that I could not change my past, could not change my mother, and I had to just get over it.

So much easier said than done. But I do try, though as an adult, it’s become more difficult.

I’m a single mom, I’ve got two kids, I work full-time during the school year, and while I love my life and I always try to make the best of everything, I have to admit that there are times I seethe with jealousy at my friends’ mothers. Many of my friends have amazing mothers, who are now, like my own mother, grandmothers. These amazing women help with their grand kids constantly, support their children, and are there emotionally for both.

My mother. Nope, not her. She had called twice in the past three years to ask how I am doing (and except for the last year, she has lived 20 minutes away from me). If I don’t call her, then the only reason she will call me is to speak with Maddie or ask me a quick question. While she does offer to take Maddie every once in awhile, she never offers to help with Luke and if I ask her, like I did a few weeks ago, to watch Luke for 20 minutes while I ran to the store to buy a printer, she  will, of course, but she will act SO put out.

And lately she’s taken to stating that she just feels “a special connection to Luke.” So, since she was going to be in town for a few days, and she’s been claiming to be upset over Luke being miserable in pre-school, she offered to pick him up early today, so he wouldn’t have to be there so long.

I could barely contain my surprise and excitement at her offer.

Then last night when I asked her what time she was going to pick up Luke, she said she had much to do and couldn’t get him until 3:15. Considering I can pick him up at 3:30, I didn’t see how this would be much help to me or him. And I told her this. When she clamored on about how she had things to do in the morning, I just told her to forget it, I would pick Luke up. To which, and I swear I’m not making this up, she yelled at me: “Why are you making me feel guilty? Why is everything always about you?”

To which I replied, “Because I’m a single mom, I have two kids, I work 60 hours a week, Luke is miserable in preschool, I have no help, so I guess, IT IS ABOUT ME.”

She reluctantly agreed to pick him up at 11:30.

I didn’t mean to lose my temper, and I really don’t think the world revolves around me, but my mom had been here since Sunday morning, and during her time here she ran to my sister’s house to see Luke for 10 minutes on Monday, and then made the family dinner on Wednesday night and saw the kids for less than two hours, and to top it all off, didn’t call me once when she was here,  knowing full well that this was my first week back to working full time and that I could have used some help.  I even had to call her to ask if she was still interested in picking up Luke.

Furthermore, my mom doesn’t work, have a hobby, volunteer, or maintain any social networks. As in, everyday is open for her.

By the time I was driving home last night, I was so angry with her, I was boiling.

Then this morning, I made a decision. When I returned from work and saw her, I was going to tell her how I felt and let her know that I no longer wanted a relationship from her. Of course, she could see her grand kids, but, I’m sorry I’d tell her, we are finished.

But once I returned from work, and took Luke with me to run a bunch of errands, and then came home and made dinner for the kids and my mom, who sat reading a magazine on my couch, I thought:  What’s the point? We already don’t have a relationship. She’s the one missing out on the beauty and life of her grand kids, and hey, I’m awesome too and she’s missing out on that. Why make everything worse by telling her the truth, the truth from my point, at least?

So I decided to keep my mouth shut. To let the anger subside as much as I could. To realize that I have fantastic surrogate mothers all around me that I can look to for love, understanding, and advice.

So tonight, I’m thankful for my friends’ Denise and Katy because they have moms who have been wonderful to me in the past and I know will be wonderful to me in my future. I’m thankful for my sister who helps me just as if she was my mom. I’m super thankful for my Aunt Linda who often has been more like a mother (albeit, a bit of a wacky mother) to me than my own. I’m thankful to all the friends I have who show me how a great mother should be when I watch them with their kids. And I’m thankful for Luke and Maddie because each time I look at them, they provide a constant reminder that I will always help them in any way I can, that I will always call them even if they piss me off, that I will show them love, and that I will honor, respect, and encourage them in whatever they do.

And I’ll take them to the park, go to every sporting event, get to know their teachers, really get to know their friends, and tell them they’re beautiful whenever I see them dancing.

finding my stride September 22, 2010

My Wednesdays, like my Mondays, are FULL days. But unlike Monday, which was spent pretty much going over the syllabus and class policies, today I actually had to teach and let’s just say I’m alittle out of practice since I had a whole summer off from teaching these classes.

My schedule:

10-11, argumentative writing; 11-12, argumentative writing; 12-2, argumentative writing; 2-4, office hours; and 4-6, writing and rhetoric.

Crazy, right? To add to this craziness, each class is on a different part of campus, so I feel like I’m constantly running (and starving by the way since there is no way from me to actually eat from 10-2 at least).

And well, my first two classes, I kind of sucked. No, I really sucked. It’s like everything I wanted to say about critical thinking (how I start the course) just came out wrong and awkward and almost like I’ve never taught this before. I feel like students were looking at me and wondering, “Dude. Is she really employed to teach here?”

But then my third class (teaching 3 of the same classes in a row is kinda tough too), all of the sudden I found my stride. Maybe it was because I messed up the first two classes and figured out a better order to say things or maybe I just felt more confident in what I was saying the third time and maybe it was because I just had a bit more practice in me. Regardless, this class just got it. I could see little light bulbs going off in their heads, and they stayed with me, concentrated on what I was saying, for almost 2 hours straight.

Then after spending my office hour catching up on about two dozen emails–one which guaranteed me winter classes (so THANKFUL for that!)–and not eating, I taught for another two hours, though a different subject, and that class went really well too. Again, little light bulbs went off and I think I made sense and was insightful and even funny at times.

I started the day feeling so lame and really questioning my whole pedagogy, but I left campus feeling fantastic. I’m thankful that I found my stride.

Now, I’ve just got to convince my first two classes that I’m not a complete idiot.

the man i love September 21, 2010

It took me my whole life, 34 years of living, to find the man I love.

And, yes, I’ve seen him before and have ignored his awesomeness so many times.

What was I thinking?

But tonight, my daughter begged and begged for me to take her to see him. And I hesitated. I was so tired, and all I could think about was a warm bath and my bed. I didn’t care to meet him again.

But my daughter was persistent and I finally gave in.

We went to our historic, art deco theater to watch:

I’ve seen this movie before, and several times. But how did I forget, how did it pass my understanding, that CLEARLY Harrison Ford, or Indiana Jones, circa 1981, was the man for me?

I mean, come on! He’s gorgeous, rugged, fearless, and to top it off, he’s a PROFESSOR.

I think we were made to be together, to have an amazing life. I wonder if he’ll call.

Either way, I’m super thankful Maddie forced me to take her to the movies tonight.

Now I have something to dream about tonight.